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Always misinterpret when you can

Posts: 20531
Date: Sep 18, 2012
8 Mistakes Men Make with Women
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8 Mistakes Men Make with Women

By Stephanie O’Neill, Special to Lifescript

Published November 22, 2011


What do women want? Men have been asking this question since the beginning of time. Of course, we’ve been telling them, but they clearly weren’t listening (Mistake No.1). In this Lifescript exclusive, our relationship gurus reveal 7 other mistakes men make with women. Plus, how well do you understand men? Take our quiz to find out...

Despite our reputation for always wanting to talk, women still seem to be a mystery to men.

And it’s this basic difference that can turn our simple requests (“Can you empty the dishwasher?”) into a fight about how you don’t like his mother.

Women aren’t blame-free, but sometimes it is the fellas’ fault.

The fact is, men and women are hard-wired differently.

Although we’ve evolved from our cave-dwelling days, genes still trigger modern-day gaffes, says Alison Armstrong, who teaches national seminars designed to bridge the gender gap.

Blame the miscommunication on age-old “hunter” and “gatherer” traits, she says.

Men fall back on their own wants and needs – instead of their partner’s – when making a relationship game plan, says Patricia Love, a marriage and family therapist, author of The Truth About Love and co-author of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It (Broadway).

 

 

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"It’s like the Golden Rule: Do unto others as they would do unto you. Men treat women like they want to be treated,” she says. “But that misses the mark because men and women are different.”

Does your man make any of these 8 common mistakes with you?

Mistake #1: Not Listening
Sound familiar? It’s the No. 1 complaint women have about their partners.

Men underestimate the power of simply listening, Love says. But it isn’t all his fault.

Women get a dopamine hit and build bonds through conversation.

The average man doesn’t get that same high.

“Men don’t understand that women talk to connect,” Love says. “A man thinks she is talking to tell him something.”

And his natural tendency is to fix whatever problem the woman in his life is presenting… whether she asked for help or not.

The Fix: Three simple words are magic for women, Love says: “Tell me more.” And if he really wants to sweeten the deal? “I’m interested.”

 

 

Mistake #2: Not Offering Help
We’ve spent the day at the office, made dinner and fed the dog. Is it too much to hope that our man would do the dishes without being asked?

When a woman needs or wants help, she may not ask for it. No one wants to admit she can’t live up to Superwoman expectations, Armstrong says.

“This one is so huge,” Love agrees.

A man who doesn’t understand the power of the broom may feel the consequences in the bedroom. “He doesn’t understand that housework and sex are very related.”

How? “For the average woman, housework pours cold water on foreplay. But seeing her man do housework? That’s foreplay,” she says.

So what’s a well-intentioned man to do?

The Fix: First, guys need to look up from the TV and see what their women are doing.

Most likely, she's not relaxing. Is she doing chores? It’s time to pitch in.

Second, men need to remove the word “help” from their offer.


As wannabe Superwomen, our natural response is, “No, I’ll do it.” If hubby asks, “Is there something I can do?” you’re more likely to embrace his offer.

Mistake #3: Thinking Men and Women are Alike
Why did he give you an Xbox for your birthday? Because it’s what he would like… so naturally you would too.

When men “give,” it’s often based on what they want, not what their partner wants,” says Michael Broder, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Can Your Relationship Be Saved? (Impact Publishers)

This extends even to bedroom activities.

This isn’t just a guy trait, though. “[People] are naturally self-referential,” Armstrong agrees. We assume another human is just like us.

Men and woman often have compatible interests, but when they don't it “causes giant rifts in the relationship,” Broder says.

The Fix: He needs to learn about your needs. What turns you on? How can he support you?

And it’s easy to gain this valuable information: He simply needs to ask.

 

 

“Opening up that line of communication will show almost instant results,” Broder says.

“[Otherwise], chances are you’re either going to lose the relationship or there’s going to be retaliation of some kind.”

Mistake #4: Misunderstanding the ‘Silent Treatment’
Guys think they’re being punished when their gal gives them the cold shoulder.

In reality, the silence means she’s hurt and can’t speak, Armstrong says.

They also have it wrong when the silence lingers.

He may believe the wound has healed, but when she’s not talking at all, the relationship has gone from bad to worse.

“Men make the mistake of thinking that silence is a good sign, but she may be making an exit plan,” Love says.

The Fix: When a woman is quiet, a man needs to ask what’s wrong. He needs to check on his partner and relationship.

The magic words? “What’s on your mind, Honey?”

The best thing a man can do is reach out with compassion, Armstrong says. It’s key to making a woman feel safe enough to express her real emotions.

 

Not sure where to start? He should say, “I don’t know what I did, but I’m so sorry,” she suggests.

Mistake #5: Failing to Communicate
It’s a common complaint women have about men: Why won’t he just tell me what he’s thinking?

As ancient hunters, men needed to conserve calories.

Today, they save words – which is why they don’t verbalize what’s obvious to them, Armstrong says.

When you suggest going to the movies, your guy may say “no” without explanation.

In his mind, the rationale is obvious: The theater will be too crowded; parking will be hard; he’s tired from work.

But that’s not clear to you and when he doesn’t offer information, it sends the wrong message.

We think, He never wants to do what I want; he doesn’t want to spend time with me; he’s a cheapskate. “We make up all these other reasons,” Armstrong says.

The Fix: He has to speak up.

“Men will be 100 times more successful with women if they explain and counteroffer,” Armstrong says.

 

Even if their alternate plans never happen, it will leave you feeling connected instead of rejected.

Mistake #6: Thinking That ‘Physically Present Is Enough’
A man believes that if his body is in the house, it’s a form of intimacy, Love says.

Never mind that he’s on the computer in the office and you’re watching a movie in the family room.

“Tandem activities are intimacy for guys,” Love says. “Just your presence is comforting to him.”

But the same doesn’t hold true for women.

For the fairer sex to feel close, a man must reach out physically, emotionally or mentally.

“One of your senses has to be stimulated,” she says.

The Fix:It’s about the three Ts: talking, touching and tuning in.

Men need to make contact with a woman for her to feel intimacy.

“Unless there's S.O.S. – skin on skin – contact or eye contact, it doesn’t count,” Love says.

 

Mistake #7: Feeling Hurt by a Woman’s Distractions
For women, multi-tasking is second nature. That’s OK with your girlfriends, but your man views it differently.

For example, if you answer the phone or turn off boiling water in the middle of an important conversation with him, he thinks you’re not listening.

“But we’re not choosing,” Armstrong says. “We’re reacting to something that’s [more pressing] in our environment.”

So how can a man get a woman’s full attention?

The Fix: Men should hold her hand when talking to her. “If he’s touching her in some way, he’ll be the loudest thing in her environment,” Armstrong says.

Mistake #8: Not Getting How We Operate
DNA makes men and women navigate the world differently.

Prehistoric men (hunters) had to focus to capture prey; women (gatherers) had to be aware of everything around them to spot that ripe berry bush.

“It’s a completely different orientation toward life,” Armstrong says. “The hunter is committed to something specific; the gatherer is open to possibilities.”

That age-old dynamic exists today: A man screens out everything irrelevant to his task.

He may notice the overflowing trash can or the socks on the floor, but he won’t do anything about them if his focus is elsewhere.

 

The Fix:Women should understand why men behave that way, Armstrong says, and the same goes for your guy. Then the realization may help him change his behavior.

But in the end, our differences are valuable. “We really were meant to shore up each other’s weaknesses,” Armstrong says.

 

 

 

 



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The beauty of life

Posts: 19145
Date: Sep 18, 2012
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Umm Yeah, we women have been saying all that since the beginning of time, haven't you been listening?

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On the bright side.... (M)

Posts: 29618
Date: Sep 18, 2012
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Number 2 is HUGE.

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Jedi

Posts: 1266
Date: Sep 18, 2012
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Yeah, I'd say those are about right.



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F'kin A!

Posts: 289
Date: Sep 18, 2012
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with all this information out there, some men just don't get it right or don't really give a crap about it one way or another.

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Padawan

Posts: 230
Date: Sep 18, 2012
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Yep, my husband needs to read this!

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Padawan

Posts: 397
Date: Sep 18, 2012
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I am not sure that those are MY 8 things, but they are all good.

#1 - This isn't really fair. If I mention that my friend Pam told me how good a certain restaurant is it means I want to go. I should probably just say hey let's go, but it is a very nice feeling when I mention something and he remembers enough to plan that activity.

#2 - Huge! I have only lived with 2 people. The exfiance had odd work hours, but on his days off would sit at home on the computer so when I came home I had dinner, clean up and what not to do. It would have been really nice for him to have done something to make my night more relaxing. I will also admit that I am a bit anal about things and if you aren't going to do it my way then don't do it. If you cared about me the towels will be folded correctly. Kind of stupid on my part to think that way. It's not like they don't dry the body correctly.

#3 - I have very manly interests. My favorite Sunday is sitting in a sports area and watching football from 10 am to 8 pm. That doesn't mean that I don't like the girly stuff too. Flowers are always so nice to get, but I end up with chips (my favorite kind that have to be ordered) in a Raiders tin or a McFadden jersey. I loved both gifts, but a pair of earrings or perfume is nice too.

#4 - I am working hard at not doing this. I have done this too much. My bigger problem is that sometimes I over react. I know that is hard to believe. I sometimes need some time to sort through what I am feeling to determine if it is justified or not. I find that more and more I am just being rude and letting something else bother me and it is a completely different issue that doesn't always involve my SO.

#5 - I am not a great communicator. It is sad, but I do better with email or text. I need time to really think about things I want to say. Plus I really hate that I am a crier. It seems like such a crappy thing to do, but I will cry at the drop of a hat when I am emotional about something. I need time to process feelings and thoughts so face to face is hard.

#6 - I am also guilty of this. I will read a book sometimes and not realize someone is even talking to me. I am big on touching and like to be touched back. It drives me crazy when I don't get random little touches or kisses. Back to communication I should probably just say it, but I would hope that someone who cared about me would realize that it is a nice feeling to just be touched and recriprocate.

#7 - As a single mother I am always guilty of this. I also drop everything to answer a family call. This might be something I cannot change. It drives me crazy to miss a call from mom and not know everything is ok. Usually it is a don't park in the driveway if you come over or something else, but there might be a first time.

#8 - This is a problem for both.

So now that I have thought way too much about all of this I will say that everyone has their own issues and how we navigate through them in our relatipnships makes the difference. I have friends who yell everything and although that doesn't work for me it works for them. We can all find a happy medium, but wanting to find it is the hard part. There hasn't been someone in a while that makes me want to be a better SO. I can be a great girlfriend or friend, but am really hard to live with. Maybe for the right person I can relax some things. Only time will tell. I would love to arge the other side about the mistakes that women make.

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Sith Lord

Posts: 22786
Date: Sep 18, 2012
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BTW men, if you and your wife are having difficulties and she has been bitchy, whiny, etc. When she STOPS nagging you, it means she has given up on the relationship and is about ready to walk out the door. Many men don't seem to understand this at all.

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Jedi

Posts: 4491
Date: Sep 18, 2012
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Yes to all of it! I will be forwarding this in an email to him.

I would also add to the list, I wish he would be more clear of his expectations towards me. In plain English. Other than sexual stuff..

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Guru

Posts: 717
Date: Sep 19, 2012
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You can flip half of these around and call them 8 Mistakes Women Make with Men (except change some details obviously). In fact, I think I shall!

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Sith Lord

Posts: 21944
Date: Sep 19, 2012
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okay, anyone else see the problem here:

 

 

Mistake #6: Thinking That ‘Physically Present Is Enough’

 

Mistake #7: Feeling Hurt by a Woman’s Distractions

 

he can't be distracted, but you can??? lol I'm sorry. It's like reading cosmo or something.

 




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Guru

Posts: 717
Date: Sep 19, 2012
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And the whole


Mistake #4: Misunderstanding the ‘Silent Treatment’

 


Mistake #5: Failing to Communicate

 

Is bull**** . Okay so we need to communicate but it's okay for you to give the silent treatment?!?!? Yeah...this is like out of some trashy women's magazine. A magazines titled "Why you're still single or with ****ty guys"



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Jedi

Posts: 1969
Date: Sep 19, 2012
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All of this seems so complicated to me. Not to mention that I can't stand gender specific behaviour stereotypes - those have not been my experience at all.

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aka PBJ (M)

Posts: 33990
Date: Sep 19, 2012
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See for me, silence is a good thing. XW would constantly say you're so quiet. What's wrong?" Nothing is wrong; THEREFORE I'm quiet. All is calm and bliss (or it was).

Giving me the silent treatment is like me giving her chocolate out of anger. If she tries hard enough she might see it, but oooo chocolate! Men who don't respond to the silent treatment may be just embracing a good thing.

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Sith Lord

Posts: 21944
Date: Sep 19, 2012
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ctsketch wrote:

 

 

And the whole


Mistake #4: Misunderstanding the ‘Silent Treatment’

 


Mistake #5: Failing to Communicate

 

Is bull**** . Okay so we need to communicate but it's okay for you to give the silent treatment?!?!? Yeah...this is like out of some trashy women's magazine. A magazines titled "Why you're still single or with ****ty guys"


 Silent treatement is like a 4 year old brat. JMO. I think it's silly.

 

That commerical where the teen age girl calls the guy to give him the silent treatment. yeah...it's called  power tripping for a reason.



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aka PBJ (M)

Posts: 33990
Date: Sep 19, 2012
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HAHAHAHA1 There's a commercial like that?

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Jedi

Posts: 1969
Date: Sep 19, 2012
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Papa Bear wrote:

See for me, silence is a good thing. XW would constantly say you're so quiet. What's wrong?" Nothing is wrong; THEREFORE I'm quiet. All is calm and bliss (or it was).

Giving me the silent treatment is like me giving her chocolate out of anger. If she tries hard enough she might see it, but oooo chocolate! Men who don't respond to the silent treatment may be just embracing a good thing.


 I don't do the silent "treatment" although I can concur with the article to a degree - if I'm too silent it generally means my feeling are hurt and I'd rather take the time to gather myself and talk to Dh about it when I'm not angry.



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Sith Lord

Posts: 21944
Date: Sep 19, 2012
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Papa Bear wrote:

See for me, silence is a good thing. XW would constantly say you're so quiet. What's wrong?" Nothing is wrong; THEREFORE I'm quiet. All is calm and bliss (or it was).

Giving me the silent treatment is like me giving her chocolate out of anger. If she tries hard enough she might see it, but oooo chocolate! Men who don't respond to the silent treatment may be just embracing a good thing.


 Smart man - shopping, chocolate, trashy novels, etc these are good moves to pacify us  females. lol

 

Smartest advice my Dad ever give - pick your battles. He meant in general, but I think it applies in all matters.



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'If Obama had been President of the Republic of Texas in 1836, he would have put Santa Anna's invading army on food stamps and Section 8 housing in return for their votes.' ~ Yu So Wong

 



Sith Lord

Posts: 21944
Date: Sep 19, 2012
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Papa Bear wrote:

HAHAHAHA1 There's a commercial like that?


 http://www.televisiontv.org/att-tv-commercial-silent-treatment

 

yeppers!

 

This spot celebrates the advantage of having AT&T’s M2AM messaging plan. It opens on a teenage girl sitting in her room as she calls her boyfriend to inform him she’s giving him the silent treatment. He’s confused as she has already called him several times. Her validation for calling is that her family has “free unlimited mobile to any mobile minutes from AT&T so I can call all I want.” The spot closes with: “With AT&T, calling is free. Buy unlimited messaging and get free unlimited calling to any US mobile on any network.

 

/double facepalm



-- Edited by YellowDaisy6 on Wednesday 19th of September 2012 10:00:54 AM

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aka PBJ (M)

Posts: 33990
Date: Sep 19, 2012
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Seeing is believing.....



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On the bright side.... (M)

Posts: 29618
Date: Sep 19, 2012
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empathetic wrote:
Papa Bear wrote:

See for me, silence is a good thing. XW would constantly say you're so quiet. What's wrong?" Nothing is wrong; THEREFORE I'm quiet. All is calm and bliss (or it was).

Giving me the silent treatment is like me giving her chocolate out of anger. If she tries hard enough she might see it, but oooo chocolate! Men who don't respond to the silent treatment may be just embracing a good thing.


 I don't do the silent "treatment" although I can concur with the article to a degree - if I'm too silent it generally means my feeling are hurt and I'd rather take the time to gather myself and talk to Dh about it when I'm not angry.


 This.  If I'm being silent, it means I don't trust myself to speak without crying, screaming, or otherwise making the situation worse.



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Queen of Frickin' Everything

Posts: 8860
Date: Sep 19, 2012
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Three simple words are magic for women, Love says: “Tell me more.”

We do not cohabitate, so when I really need to either blow off steam or get an warm reassuring hug, .. when he asks me about the day,the crisis de jour it is very very loving.

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aka PBJ (M)

Posts: 33990
Date: Sep 20, 2012
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Aergia, tell me more

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Queen of Frickin' Everything

Posts: 8860
Date: Sep 20, 2012
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   biggrin   

 



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Queen of Frickin' Everything

Posts: 8860
Date: Sep 20, 2012
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While wondering around last night, I came across this:http://blogs.babble.com/babble-voices/about-love-mara-kofoed/2012/07/30/how-women-ruin-their-sex-lives/#not-thinking-about-sex-enough
ways-women-ruin-their-sex-lives:
Not Wearing Your Birthday Suit Often Enough
Yep. Find a way to work that thing in. Being naked leads to good things.

 

Definately



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Always misinterpret when you can

Posts: 20531
Date: Sep 20, 2012
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Good advice Aergia.



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Jedi

Posts: 1005
Date: Sep 21, 2012
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#2 is huge for me too. I absolutely hate asking for help. My husband watched me unload a trunk full of groceries, making many trips in and out, and didn't ask if he could help me. I was pissed and told him. His answer was "You should've asked for help." I don't think I should have to ask.

The idea of the husband naked makes my eyes bleed. Our relationship is way too far gone for that.

#1 is relevant too. Not matter what I tell him he says"Well, what do you want me to do about it?"

#2 yeah, he has never remembered my birthday or given me a gift at Valentines' Day........sometimes a Christmas gift, but that's usually money.

#4 I can stay silent a long time. I refuse to argue.

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aka PBJ (M)

Posts: 33990
Date: Sep 21, 2012
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About remembering dates .... I'm so glad I live in the era of automated reminders. All I have to do is enter it once and it reminds me forever.

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Padawan

Posts: 397
Date: Sep 21, 2012
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I am not very good at remembering dates. I just don't put that much importance on them. I would rather get flowers just because instead of having to because someone says you have to.

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I'm a cool kid

Posts: 26381
Date: Sep 21, 2012
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silver fox wrote:

#2 is huge for me too. I absolutely hate asking for help. My husband watched me unload a trunk full of groceries, making many trips in and out, and didn't ask if he could help me. I was pissed and told him. His answer was "You should've asked for help." I don't think I should have to ask.

The idea of the husband naked makes my eyes bleed. Our relationship is way too far gone for that.

#1 is relevant too. Not matter what I tell him he says"Well, what do you want me to do about it?"

#2 yeah, he has never remembered my birthday or given me a gift at Valentines' Day........sometimes a Christmas gift, but that's usually money.

#4 I can stay silent a long time. I refuse to argue.


 The EXACT same thing happened last month. I had just driven back from Chicago & it had been a rough drive.

I had a ton of stuff to haul in. Dude, I know you're watching football, but I don't care.

flan



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Always misinterpret when you can

Posts: 20531
Date: Sep 21, 2012
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flan327 wrote:
silver fox wrote:

#2 is huge for me too. I absolutely hate asking for help. My husband watched me unload a trunk full of groceries, making many trips in and out, and didn't ask if he could help me. I was pissed and told him. His answer was "You should've asked for help." I don't think I should have to ask.

The idea of the husband naked makes my eyes bleed. Our relationship is way too far gone for that.

#1 is relevant too. Not matter what I tell him he says"Well, what do you want me to do about it?"

#2 yeah, he has never remembered my birthday or given me a gift at Valentines' Day........sometimes a Christmas gift, but that's usually money.

#4 I can stay silent a long time. I refuse to argue.


 The EXACT same thing happened last month. I had just driven back from Chicago & it had been a rough drive.

I had a ton of stuff to haul in. Dude, I know you're watching football, but I don't care.

flan


I have a suggestion (putting on flame suit): He's watching the game on TV and you want his help bringing stuff in from the car? (1) turn on the video recorder so he won't miss anything, then (2)  TELL him you need his help, his big, strong arms, to bring stuff in from the car. BE NICE.

Guys neither read minds, nor do we pick up subtle clues.

 

 



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Queen of Frickin' Everything

Posts: 8860
Date: Sep 21, 2012
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But seriously. Ok I am here alone watching the game, scratching and farting. Wife arrives, I try to stop scratching.
How about getting up!

Subtle clues are coming quietly in the back door or unobtrusively so as not to interrupt.

Lugging in huge amounts of stuff with the accompanying loud noises. does not mean he should turn up the TV.
Dude, Tivo that sucker, you have got to help.
Wife does not go over and wipe his butt and then ask for help




Spoiler



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I'm a cool kid

Posts: 26381
Date: Sep 21, 2012
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ed11563 wrote:
flan327 wrote:
silver fox wrote:

#2 is huge for me too. I absolutely hate asking for help. My husband watched me unload a trunk full of groceries, making many trips in and out, and didn't ask if he could help me. I was pissed and told him. His answer was "You should've asked for help." I don't think I should have to ask.

The idea of the husband naked makes my eyes bleed. Our relationship is way too far gone for that.

#1 is relevant too. Not matter what I tell him he says"Well, what do you want me to do about it?"

#2 yeah, he has never remembered my birthday or given me a gift at Valentines' Day........sometimes a Christmas gift, but that's usually money.

#4 I can stay silent a long time. I refuse to argue.


 The EXACT same thing happened last month. I had just driven back from Chicago & it had been a rough drive.

I had a ton of stuff to haul in. Dude, I know you're watching football, but I don't care.

flan


I have a suggestion (putting on flame suit): He's watching the game on TV and you want his help bringing stuff in from the car? (1) turn on the video recorder so he won't miss anything, then (2)  TELL him you need his help, his big, strong arms, to bring stuff in from the car. BE NICE.

Guys neither read minds, nor do we pick up subtle clues.

 

 


 ed, I love you, truly I do.

But, the irony is that his son was staying with us for a few days in August. I went to the store, came home, and his son asked me if I needed help.

The kicker was that DH yelled at ME. I told him I was ready to get in the car & drive back to Chicago.

He never apologized, but he asks me now if I need help.

flan



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Jedi

Posts: 4491
Date: Sep 21, 2012
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I'm mean. If my hubby doesn't help me when he sees me unloading groceries I tell him that some big handsome man out walking his dog stopped and asked if I need any help. He always jumps off the couch to come help after that.

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Jedi

Posts: 1005
Date: Sep 21, 2012
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We don't have TeVo. He was watching a movie he'd seen at least 50 times.

Oh Ed, you don't have to read minds, just open your eyes.

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Always misinterpret when you can

Posts: 20531
Date: Sep 22, 2012
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silver fox wrote:

We don't have TeVo. He was watching a movie he'd seen at least 50 times.

Oh Ed, you don't have to read minds, just open your eyes.


 

just open your eyes

 

I'm not sure I can meet your expectations.

 



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aka PBJ (M)

Posts: 33990
Date: Sep 22, 2012
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Empyreal wrote:

I'm mean. If my hubby doesn't help me when he sees me unloading groceries I tell him that some big handsome man out walking his dog stopped and asked if I need any help. He always jumps off the couch to come help after that.


Heh



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aka PBJ (M)

Posts: 33990
Date: Sep 22, 2012
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ed11563 wrote:
silver fox wrote:

We don't have TeVo. He was watching a movie he'd seen at least 50 times.

Oh Ed, you don't have to read minds, just open your eyes.


 

just open your eyes

 

I'm not sure I can meet your expectations.


I can open my eyes just fine. 

Interpreting what I'm supposed to see, that's the hard part.



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Jedi

Posts: 1005
Date: Sep 22, 2012
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Let's say you see your neighbor stuggling to do something. Do you just sit there and watch or do you offer to help? Why not do the same for your wife?

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aka PBJ (M)

Posts: 33990
Date: Sep 22, 2012
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For my wife, I definitely help. It's interpreting all the other situations that would trip me up.

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Jedi

Posts: 1005
Date: Sep 22, 2012
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Well, maybe women are just as clueless about men. I only know from my side.

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I'm a cool kid

Posts: 26381
Date: Sep 22, 2012
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Oh em gee.

It's not rocket science.

Wife goes grocery shopping. Groceries cannot walk into the house by themselves.

If husband wants to eat said groceries...

flan

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Queen of Frickin' Everything

Posts: 8860
Date: Sep 22, 2012
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and expand that to any and all chores

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Just browsing

Posts: 9
Date: Sep 22, 2012
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No. 6 is the biggest with me. Intimacy or more important emotional intimacy. I fully understand how busy life dictates to us pulling in all directions, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see if you expand all your energy to everyone else around you, and then he just comes home and expects me to be happy he's just there - working in the study, watching tv, playing on his laptop and expects me to be happy to share that time with him. Just leaves me feeling empty and very unhappy, it doesn't take much come talk to me while I cook dinner and tell me if you feel you need to catch up doing other things, and then go do that. By coming and talking to me as I cook our tea, which by the way I held off so we can sit down together and connect, you touch base so to speak and make that emotional connection.
But to come home sit on the couch, go in the study or take an extra long shower, then only come out to sit down, eat, not communicate at all and then go and do something else straight away when finished. You better believe we have problems. To top it off he then thinks he's having a great night, after he's left the table, I'm left to clear and wash then potter around not disturbing him, when he decides to go to bed he actually thinks I'm in the mood for more. At this stage I don't want to be around him as he's just not getting what is so important to me.

Lack of emotional intimacy is the biggest turn off to me. It can turn two loving people into complete strangers, there's no turning back once that rot has set in the relationship.



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Queen of Frickin' Everything

Posts: 8860
Date: Sep 23, 2012
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RF- welcome -

I feel everything you wrote - sounds like you have come to a Board of kindred spirits.

If I knew any long time solution, I would bottle it and be rich.


Some of us have spouses and others who are not home due to deployment, jobs and what-not. Those spouses can be more intimate and present than the 'usual' folks who share our homes day by day.

Those relationships -


any relationship -


where both spouses are invested without limit are golden.


They are also rare.

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Sith Lord

Posts: 25060
Date: Sep 23, 2012
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I just want a man to be a man. A man will take care of his family and his responsibilities. he will have his priorities straight and he will always pick his wife and kids well being and happiness over anything.



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